Autopilot...

While I was in truck driving school I heard a crazy accident report about an older couple that burned their RV to the ground. In a field. It is duly noted that people who buy obnoxiously large RVs are quite possibly the most dangerous people on the road. Anyways, the story goes as follows. The woman was sleeping in the back while her husband was driving. Presumably feeling sleepy and needing a 'pick-me-up' the RV was set on 'auto-pilot' (as documented from the investigation report) and the man found himself in the kitchenette making coffee. The RV barreled through a cattle fence, into a field jumping and hopping along before crashing to a fiery halt. The woman died.

Never, ever trust auto-pilot. Especially in a vehicle meant to be driven on a road. In the sky is a little more forgiving due to the nature of navigation capabilities.

My life is on autopilot right now and I don't like it. I have a few more months until I have to make a change in my life. I have to make the change because I want to. In the meantime I have to finish my commercial pilot license, pass some ridiculous college classes, sell my boat, clear out my damn storage unit and figure out what the hell to do with my Harley. I must continue to work my lame job while mustering the willpower to avoid drinking simply to avoid a really annoying life situation. If I make one mistake, or let someone dictate how my life shall be commenced, I'm scared I'll be screwed.

I am in no way close to giving up, but I'm losing faith in my resolve on a daily basis. Why the fuck am I doing this? To move to a place that I want to be instead of being guilted into it. To begin building a life for myself and hopefully a family. A wife? Who knows? I know what happy is, and right now is not even close to being happy.

The career path of being a pilot fresh out of school is rocky, though with some grit and determination anything is possible. I figure that since I'm not a douchebag idiot and have been around the block a few times, I can find myself a decent mode of employment or business to provide some income for the life I want to live. I want it to be for more than me though. It's my hang-up that has caused me to ramble along making stupid decisions and setting myself up for disappointment all around. All I want for myself is a good time, good company and a comfortable place to lay my head at night. What I want with someone else is so jaded right now that I am in a constant tug-o-war with my intentions and my actions. I don't mind that certain people don't attract to me. I realize that many who I give credit to are about as deep as a kiddy pool on a cold winter day. I'll impatiently wait for something amazing to happen. Until then, I think I'll go make a cup of tea.