Habits...

I'm a huge proponent of simple living. Any of my faithful readers and friends know this. Well, sort of. In my opinion, money is the real root of about 90% of our societies problems. As much as idealists like me would love to live without the burden of what the acquisition of money does, we can't live without it. We can play semantics about it all we want but I think it really all boils down to this.

In the months following the graduation from flight school, I pondered a lot of different things to do. Keep the boat, get a simple job somewhere, maybe find a girlfriend... I also thought of moving to another country. Maybe I could go work on some fishing boats in Alaska. I even considered going back into the military. What I'm choosing to do isn't quite as glamorous and seemingly counterintuitive to what I want out of life. Moving to Southern California isn't the cheapest of places and the carefree approach I have towards all of this is going to make this an interesting journey.

I've got to force myself to be frugal. I've got a really bad habit to break and I know when I can do it, things will get a lot better. I nickel and dime myself to death. Monetarily and fundamentally. After my load tonight I'm shut down in Logan Utah behind a Sam's Club. Glamorous life I know. Luckily I get a load early tomorrow and I can start heading back to Cali. As I was sitting here, I noticed there was a Chili's right around the corner. Without even thinking, I started to prep myself to go over and have a meal. At the same moment, I got on and looked at my pay statement that comes across on Thursday nights. Then it hit me. Whether I can afford it or not, why the hell am I spending money on something that really does me no good? Overpriced food that is probably going to make me sick anyways.

I do this a lot. Energy drinks, snacks, random computer gadgets, clothes, sunglasses... But what is different about my life even on a small scale when I waste away hard earned money? It's a habit I can't kick for some reason. Maybe it's depression. Maybe no one really gives a shit. I mean really, I write about stuff and people read it but what good is it doing? It's a habit I've forced myself to have and what has come of it? Piece by piece I've laid out my thoughts over the course of a year and I wonder if I could be doing something better with this fire that I think I have inside.

I have this seemingly small problem of not being frugal enough with my money and it finds a way to bite me in the ass one way or another. I believe other people have things going on in their lives that they wish they could change but don't have a specific thing they can do to address it.

The overlying message of this blog was to watch Dave unscramble himself. It's taken me a long time to get where I'm at and I think I could do better. I need to break some habits and have a little faith that blind hard work will be worth it somehow.

I question myself, what am I living for? Some people have a pretty good idea in their life what they are living for. Some don't quite yet. What can I do to help fix this problem?

I'm on this journey by myself. Sucks, but I'm happy about it. I can't allow myself to be burdened by the judgment of other people and I have to take the hits that come my way. I've got to start doing something with my life that will actually matter to someone more than myself.

First step is to quit the habits that spiral into unproductive activity. I do the math and realize that even if I don't spend money on these random weird things, I won't come out that much farther ahead. What this tells me is there's something deeper that is hindering progress. I know exactly what I need to do in order to make life really good. For some stupid reason, I don't want it right now. It's almost as if I need the stress of being 'almost there.'