Hodgepodge

Throughout my teen and adult life I've collected some personal thoughts about my purpose. A lot of them probably make no sense and its merely a purging of messes throughout life. A truth I have for myself is something I may or may not have written in one of these blogs. I'm starting to lose track already of what I wrote. One of my biggest fears is not dying, but dying before doing something absolutely extraordinary with my life. Maybe I'm wrong about what I'm really supposed to be doing with my life but I'm not entirely satisfied doing these ordinary things. I fly. Cool right? Well, I don't want to take anything away from the awesomeness of that but the path I'm taking with it is for career, not pure enjoyment. I'll discuss flying in a later blog but it's something important in my life and causing influence as to what my next move will be.

I've written about being slightly good at a lot of things. I get bored I think. When I die I want to know that what I chose to do with my life was absolutely worth it. Some people live for one dream, and that's fine.... For them. I however am a dreamer and am extraordinarily unapologetic for it. It's my gypsy soul. It may settle one day but until then I will do what I can to contribute to my story which someday someone may like look upon and be able to reflect a little better on their life.

I was given 'the talk' by the doctor the other day. I am in otherwise great health except for my unexplainable spike in blood pressure. For those who know numbers, I used to hover around 110/70 ish. Even while I was deployed I never saw it over 120/80. The other day it was quite a bit higher. Since I try not to self incriminate I won't divulge too much of those results here. They don't disqualify me for my FAA or DOL medically but the trend could cause quite a change in my life. Aside from lately, I've been working out at least six days a week for the past five months, generally don't drink except for one or two now and again, don't smoke and eat decent food. I'm not going to spell out right now what the catalyst is right now, but I do know that I need to be able to center myself.

I work with a small handful of people at the lumber store. It's a generally easy going atmosphere. Sadly, it's becoming the place that I can relax. A coworker of mine thought it was quite odd that when she would reach for something and get close to me, I would move away. I can be comfortable while being physically close to someone else. 'Within my bubble' per say. This coworker made a snarky comment about getting into my 'bubble.' They didn't quite understand what I said next but it's how I feel about reciprocation of consideration. I move away from this person because I don't want to invade their space. I don't want to chance being that person that is always 'up in someone's shit.' In a literal sense I offer this consideration because I try to really care. As well, I expect others to respect me in the same way. Golden rule stuff right? It's been very difficult lately for me because my effort of consideration is taken advantage of. For example I gave my boss a run down of my school schedule to work around. I said I was extremely open for shifts but I want limited hours and would like 'me' time but wasn't going to request irrational days off. Wrong of me to assume otherwise but it was taken as being available every hour that I wasn't in school. I could just quit right? Eh, not quite yet. I actually felt bad when I had to lay down my terms to them and change my schedule. I don't know why it bothered me so much because I don't owe them anything.

This blog is going nowhere. Just like a random conversation today with coworkers about religion, I couldn't get my mind on a track that made sense. Of course their reaction was looking at me like I was crazy. If anything this blog might be something I look back on for ideas. I'm sitting down here again at Columbia Park listening as Hallelujah is coming across pandora. Reminds me of such an awesome time in my life. As novel as it would be to try and re-live certain moments in my life to try and capture those feelings, I merely think back and it helps get me back on track with who I am and who I need to be.